So have you ever been going through life and then all of a sudden one day it seems like life just comes at you all at once? Nothing really has changed...it's the same day to day stuff you have been dealing with for months...maybe longer....but then it just comes up one day and sucker punches you in the stomach and all of a sudden you feel weary. Well that day for me was yesterday!
I don't really know what started it or how it happened...but do we ever really know? Of course it didn't help that I was not feeling well and all I wanted was for my husband to hold me...that's it. Nothing hard about that right? Well it is when your husband is thousands of miles away. And then it hit me like a full force of wind....I was instantly weary. Physically weary....yes...but more than that. It's hard to explain really. But you know what I mean...I know you have felt the same way...please tell me I'm not alone with this. And it all comes to us in different forms...different circumstances...and it doesn't matter what that circumstance is...it's hard and so very lonely.
I have reached the point I am exhausted...I am weary! Of what you ask? Well I don't know if there is a simple answer...it's a bunch of things wrapped up in one. I am sooooo weary of this deployment. I am weary of being so far away from my husband. I am weary of going to bed by myself...I am weary of waking up all alone. I am weary of being in a huge crowd and yet still feeling so all alone. I am weary with the fact that I can't pick up the phone and call him whenever I want. I am weary of the fact that I have a new niece and I have no idea when I will ever get to meet her. I am weary because my best friend is on the other side of the United States and I can't jump in my car and go see her. I am so frustrated with the fact that I rarely see my family...I don't get to go over to their house and do cook outs. I don't get to hang out with my sisters and go shopping or go out to lunch or go get pampered. I am so weary with the thought that I have to constantly show my son pics of the my family and say their names over and over again so he won't feel like they are strangers when we do get to see each other.
I am scared of the thought that sometimes I can't remember Wes and Ian having father/son moments...although they have. It terrifies me when I sit here and think that it's weird to think of Wes as Ian's father. This may sound strange to some...but when you don't see them interact day to day you forget. And that is the worst feeling in the world!
I get so frustrated that some days when I work out I feel like a champion and then the next day I feel like I am making no improvement whatsoever! I'm tired with the fact that I can't feel confident in myself...I am so mad that on some days I feel like I'm making an improvement in my self confidence and then others I feel like I have taken 10 steps back. I just wish I had a close friend near by. One that I can call anytime and we could just hang out. The kind of hanging out where all you really have to do is sit around and you don't even have to talk the entire time but when that person leaves you feel like you just had the best day ever. I ache for that!
So as you can see a lot of things hit me yesterday...and really that is just the tip of the iceberg! And I know I'm not the only one that has these days...and I know it can be so many other things that make a person weary...I use deployment mostly because that is what I'm going through right now. So you wonder what I did, how I handled it, if I fell apart...well I'll tell you what I didn't do. I didn't sit at home feeling sorry for myself. I did what any normal girl would do...I took a shower...spent extra time on my hair and make up...put on dressier clothes and left the house. Did it help...you better believe it. Because although as you can tell I got really weary yesterday...I DID NOT allow myself to wallow in it. I refuse!!!
So what am I trying to get at here? I don't know...maybe I'm just trying to get out some of my thoughts. Or maybe I'm trying to let someone else know that other people feel weary too...so it's ok...don't feel bad about it...don't beat yourself up over it. If you need to stay down for a bit...stay down...but always remember...pull yourself back up! Because you know what...you are one more day closer to being done....one more minute closer to the end of whatever trial and difficulty your going through. And it's so true...you will always come out a stronger person...but ONLY if you pick yourself back up!
Saturday, June 5, 2010
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
I don't always love surprises, but today was different....
In about 7 days I will have been married to my husband for 5 years! Even writing that doesn't seem to make it real...but it is...I have the marriage license to prove it. Oddly enough the only time we have been together on June 10th was back in 2005...the year we married. Yep...you read that right...I have never spent an anniversary with my husband! I actually just laughed out loud when I wrote that...because right now I feel that maybe I should be feeling sorry for myself...but I don't. Am I missing out on something great? Maybe I should be more depressed that day...but I doubt I will be. I'm thinking that maybe...just maybe...ignorance is bliss. If the day ever comes that I get to spend my anniversary with my husband (which I don't see that happening anytime soon) I'm afraid I may be disappointed. I have hyped it all up in my head of how great it must be since every time people find out Wes is gone on our special day they seem to be all sad for me....Wes has a lot to plan for to meet my expectations now. haha I guess it doesn't bother me too much because I know that whether or not he is with me or thousands of miles away we are both remembering what happened on that day back in 2005...and really that's all that matters...at least to me anyways.
Since we are always apart on our anniversary we usually don't make to big of a deal out of it. We do get each other cards...don't get me wrong. But we have never really done presents. But this year my husband went above and beyond what I could have imagined from him. Don't get me wrong...I love my husband dearly...but he is a guy...and what I mean is he is the guy that doesn't always think ahead on things. So today when I got home Ian got to the door before me and turned around and handed me a door hanger and said "here mommy". I just figured it was some kind of sales paper type of thing and almost threw it away...but then I realized it said Fed Ex on it. The Fed Ex guy had come by and I was not home and whatever he was trying to deliver I had to be there to show ID and sign for...which I thought was extremely weird. So it told me where I could go to pick it up. So I put Ian down for his nap and thought if he woke up in time I would go pick it up today...if not I would just wait till tomorrow. Well he woke up in time so we made our way down to Fed Ex and this is what I was handed.
Now I remember Wes telling me he had ordered me something for our anniversary...but he didn't tell me what...and he also told me he would let me know when it was coming so I could be there. So I see this box and couldn't really see a return address so I was really confused. So I opened it up and was shocked to see that this huge box had a little small box in it.
Just to let you know...where my husband is right now...there are no Zales. He didn't just see a store and think...oh I'll go buy my wife some jewelry. No...he actually had to go online and do it. And he actually remembered when I saw a friends ring that she recently got from her husband how I said I would love one similar to that one day. And when I said one day I really meant one day when I feel we have enough money without me feeling guilty about it...basically that one day would never come. But for me that one day was today!!!!
And he actually remember my ring size...I can't even remember my ring size. So I couldn't really get a good picture of it with my camera...so here is a picture from the website.
And it looks way better on my finger!!! I just love my husband...I love him for being so thoughtful...I love him for listening to me when I made a comment about wanting a ring someday. I love him because although we are thousands of miles away he has made our anniversary this year so special. There are so many reasons why I love my husband...but most of all I love him because he loves me! Does that even make sense? Does it have to make sense? I mean...it's love...no one has ever really fully been able to explain it! So thank you Wesley Carey...thank your for loving me...thank you for being my husband, my best friend....thank you for hearing me and giving me things I don't need but you know I want...you spoil me and I LOVE it! :)
Since we are always apart on our anniversary we usually don't make to big of a deal out of it. We do get each other cards...don't get me wrong. But we have never really done presents. But this year my husband went above and beyond what I could have imagined from him. Don't get me wrong...I love my husband dearly...but he is a guy...and what I mean is he is the guy that doesn't always think ahead on things. So today when I got home Ian got to the door before me and turned around and handed me a door hanger and said "here mommy". I just figured it was some kind of sales paper type of thing and almost threw it away...but then I realized it said Fed Ex on it. The Fed Ex guy had come by and I was not home and whatever he was trying to deliver I had to be there to show ID and sign for...which I thought was extremely weird. So it told me where I could go to pick it up. So I put Ian down for his nap and thought if he woke up in time I would go pick it up today...if not I would just wait till tomorrow. Well he woke up in time so we made our way down to Fed Ex and this is what I was handed.
Now I remember Wes telling me he had ordered me something for our anniversary...but he didn't tell me what...and he also told me he would let me know when it was coming so I could be there. So I see this box and couldn't really see a return address so I was really confused. So I opened it up and was shocked to see that this huge box had a little small box in it.
Just to let you know...where my husband is right now...there are no Zales. He didn't just see a store and think...oh I'll go buy my wife some jewelry. No...he actually had to go online and do it. And he actually remembered when I saw a friends ring that she recently got from her husband how I said I would love one similar to that one day. And when I said one day I really meant one day when I feel we have enough money without me feeling guilty about it...basically that one day would never come. But for me that one day was today!!!!
And he actually remember my ring size...I can't even remember my ring size. So I couldn't really get a good picture of it with my camera...so here is a picture from the website.
And it looks way better on my finger!!! I just love my husband...I love him for being so thoughtful...I love him for listening to me when I made a comment about wanting a ring someday. I love him because although we are thousands of miles away he has made our anniversary this year so special. There are so many reasons why I love my husband...but most of all I love him because he loves me! Does that even make sense? Does it have to make sense? I mean...it's love...no one has ever really fully been able to explain it! So thank you Wesley Carey...thank your for loving me...thank you for being my husband, my best friend....thank you for hearing me and giving me things I don't need but you know I want...you spoil me and I LOVE it! :)
Friday, May 21, 2010
While he is away projects....
So I know I just wrote a blog...and I'm usually a once a month kind a blogger...but today I'm breaking the cycle!!! But probably only for this once...I'm not that good! So I am waiting for my husband to get off of his shift at 2 am so I can talk to him. So I thought I would do something useful with my time! In reality I am falling asleep and I desperately need help staying awake. So for all I know this blog may be a jumbled mess!
So I had this wonderful idea (I wish you could hear the sarcastic way I am saying that) of what to do to keep myself busy while my husband is away on "business" ;) Now what can keep me busy for several months...then this brilliant idea hits me...what a great time to put wood floors in our house! So now that I am waist deep in renovating... not looking like such a brilliant idea anymore. lol Who knew there would be so many decisions to make? Also who knew that pulling up carpet and putting wood floors in would cause me to decided my ENTIRE house needed painting...or that I needed new rugs...or that I needed new pictures to hang on my walls...or that I needed a new bedspread.... or that Ian needed a new theme for his room...or that I needed a new shower curtain...oh and don't forget the curtains for my living room, and we all know you can't get new curtains without getting a new curtain rod...and the curtain rod in the living room has to match the one in the dining room since technically they are all the same room. Oh and don't forget the new shed I got and when I got the shed up realized it might be a good idea to go ahead and fence in the entire back yard! Are you understanding why maybe this wasn't such a brilliant idea anymore?
First it's going to pick out the wood for the floors. How was I supposed to know that there was such a huge variety to choose from! And I had to do it ALL by myself :( So many times I have been going through this whole renovation process and I stop and think..."this is Wesley's house too...shouldn't he have a say in how it looks...shouldn't he be stressing right along with me?" Well surprise, surprise...Wes could care less what kinds of wood floor I get...as long as I like it...oh and he's not stressed at all. LoL I was so very proud of myself though...I found this warehouse place that sales wood flooring at such an awesome price!!! I was able to get wood for my entire house plus the padding that goes underneath for $1500!!!!! Yay me! And it's a good thing I got it when I did because that flood we had...yeah...wiped the store out. I bet they have really great prices now hehe
I have such a great friend (well really the entire family) who has helped me put the floors in. Ok...what am I saying...he didn't help me...he did it all by himself while I just stood around feeling helpless...so I left lol It is looking so awesome!!! I even have the living room and dining room painted thanks to my mom who came and visited me. Fair warning...if you come to visit me I may put you to work :) My living room is now a khaki color and my dining room is a dark red...it looks so great. I actually ended up buying my rug from Walmart (I know...I'm surprised as well) and it was on sale and the last one they had! It tied the room together perfectly. I got to hang all my new pictures that I have been saving to put up whenever I got around to painting and finally...after living here for close to 3 years my pictures have been hung :)
My next big project is painting the rest of the house. The bathroom will probably be the most challenging for me. I'm doing it a solid color on the bottom and the top is going to be stripes. I was going to do stripes in Ian's room, but after taping off the bathroom...yeah...I decided against it. I have an awesome idea for Ian's room though...but you'll have to wait till it's done and I post the pictures! What? I have to keep you coming back for more somehow lol My room is going to be a pale blue to match the new bed spread I just got. Well that's actually a long story in and of itself...but I should save that for another blog.
So yeah...we are a little over half way done with this deployment and sadly I am not half way done with this house. Can I make it? You better believe it! So yeah...I think next deployment maybe I'll just travel or something lol
Oh wait...did I mention that I am tiling the bathroom and the kitchen and washroom. Oh and when Wes gets back we will be getting new light fixtures for the living room, kitchen, dining and bathroom...and possibly the rest of the house :)
So I had this wonderful idea (I wish you could hear the sarcastic way I am saying that) of what to do to keep myself busy while my husband is away on "business" ;) Now what can keep me busy for several months...then this brilliant idea hits me...what a great time to put wood floors in our house! So now that I am waist deep in renovating... not looking like such a brilliant idea anymore. lol Who knew there would be so many decisions to make? Also who knew that pulling up carpet and putting wood floors in would cause me to decided my ENTIRE house needed painting...or that I needed new rugs...or that I needed new pictures to hang on my walls...or that I needed a new bedspread.... or that Ian needed a new theme for his room...or that I needed a new shower curtain...oh and don't forget the curtains for my living room, and we all know you can't get new curtains without getting a new curtain rod...and the curtain rod in the living room has to match the one in the dining room since technically they are all the same room. Oh and don't forget the new shed I got and when I got the shed up realized it might be a good idea to go ahead and fence in the entire back yard! Are you understanding why maybe this wasn't such a brilliant idea anymore?
First it's going to pick out the wood for the floors. How was I supposed to know that there was such a huge variety to choose from! And I had to do it ALL by myself :( So many times I have been going through this whole renovation process and I stop and think..."this is Wesley's house too...shouldn't he have a say in how it looks...shouldn't he be stressing right along with me?" Well surprise, surprise...Wes could care less what kinds of wood floor I get...as long as I like it...oh and he's not stressed at all. LoL I was so very proud of myself though...I found this warehouse place that sales wood flooring at such an awesome price!!! I was able to get wood for my entire house plus the padding that goes underneath for $1500!!!!! Yay me! And it's a good thing I got it when I did because that flood we had...yeah...wiped the store out. I bet they have really great prices now hehe
I have such a great friend (well really the entire family) who has helped me put the floors in. Ok...what am I saying...he didn't help me...he did it all by himself while I just stood around feeling helpless...so I left lol It is looking so awesome!!! I even have the living room and dining room painted thanks to my mom who came and visited me. Fair warning...if you come to visit me I may put you to work :) My living room is now a khaki color and my dining room is a dark red...it looks so great. I actually ended up buying my rug from Walmart (I know...I'm surprised as well) and it was on sale and the last one they had! It tied the room together perfectly. I got to hang all my new pictures that I have been saving to put up whenever I got around to painting and finally...after living here for close to 3 years my pictures have been hung :)
My next big project is painting the rest of the house. The bathroom will probably be the most challenging for me. I'm doing it a solid color on the bottom and the top is going to be stripes. I was going to do stripes in Ian's room, but after taping off the bathroom...yeah...I decided against it. I have an awesome idea for Ian's room though...but you'll have to wait till it's done and I post the pictures! What? I have to keep you coming back for more somehow lol My room is going to be a pale blue to match the new bed spread I just got. Well that's actually a long story in and of itself...but I should save that for another blog.
So yeah...we are a little over half way done with this deployment and sadly I am not half way done with this house. Can I make it? You better believe it! So yeah...I think next deployment maybe I'll just travel or something lol
Oh wait...did I mention that I am tiling the bathroom and the kitchen and washroom. Oh and when Wes gets back we will be getting new light fixtures for the living room, kitchen, dining and bathroom...and possibly the rest of the house :)
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Remember something that seems trivial to you is a big deal to someone else!!!
Tonight I am thinking about my neighbor...she is really heavy on my mind tonight! Is this normal you might be asking yourself? Well as much as I would like to make myself out to sound like this wonderful over caring neighbor this does not mean I am ALWAYS thinking of my neighbors. Does this make me an awful person? I like to think not. But anyway...back to topic. Today my neighbor came knocking on my door...which isn't unusual...we do have a friendly relationship. And since she lives with her mom it is not uncommon for her to come over to sit and chat and just get away from her mom...not to say that her mom is an awful person...she is not...but you ladies know what I'm talking about! (once again...going away from topic...what is wrong with me? lol) So I answered my door and I could tell something was wrong...so I invited her in to have a seat. To give a little background my neighbor is a dog lover...they are her life. Don't get me wrong...she still realizes that they are not humans..but she has a very close attachment to them. Well one of her dogs whose name is Stranger has not really been acting himself lately...so she took him to the Vet and they said he had allergies and gave him antibiotics and stuff like that. Well this morning she brought him over and the right side of his face was all droopy like he had had a stroke...it looked so awful and broke my heart to see him like that.
So back to why my neighbor came over...she had just got back from the Vet and he told her that Stranger has a tumor in his throat and it is cancerous! Now to some out there this may seem very trivial in the whole scheme of things...but it's really not. Because today I realized as I watched my neighbor in tears and listened to her talk it through I could hear the pain in her voice...I realized that this is a really bid deal to her to say the least! Right now this problem is all she can think about...it is what is consuming her. Of course I have dogs and so I could sympathize with her. Like her I still realized my dogs are animals and not humans...but they have become a part of our family and I know if we lost one I would cry (although if you know me I do joke about it sometimes because I am overwhelmed with dogs lol) And I know some of you not only can you sympathize with her...you can empathize with her because you know what it feels like to loose a family pet.
After she left I was thinking about what had happened and how awful I feel for not only Stranger, but for Naomi (my neighbor) because she is going to have to say goodbye to a "family" member here pretty soon. And then I thought...there are those out there that would probably laugh or at least not understand why this is such a big deal. They are those that would probably want to say "I wish I had your problems". But this is when we need to stop and think...something that may seem so small to you is so huge to someone else. A teenager comes to mind. I remember when I was a teen (of course it wasn't that very long ago...of course it's getting farther away) and I thought I had these huge problems...and now as an adult I look back and I think "man I wish I had those problems now". But you know...at that time...it was such a huge deal to me...it was what consumed me...what I thought about all the time.
Another thought comes to mind...which has always been a personal pet peeve of mind. I hear it from Army (or should I say military) wives a LOT! It goes something like this...one military wife to another. "So my civilian friend's husband went out of town on business and she won't stop complaining about it....I don't want to hear how she misses her husband so much...blah blah blah blah blah...she would never be able to do what I do" I know you all know what kind of conversation I'm talking about...and you may have had it yourself. But here's something to think about! She didn't marry (or "sign up" as we Army wives like to say) the military....she didn't make a commitment to a man who chose a career that would carry him away for months at a time! So guess what...she doesn't have to prepare herself like we do. She doesn't have the "he's home" attitude nor does she know how to switch on "super mommy/woman" button. Does that make her any less of a woman then me...HECK no! It just means we fell in love with 2 different men (which is a good thing ... I don't like sharing my husband lol) So when a friend of mine's husband goes away for a weekend, or a week on business and she "complains" about missing him and him being gone...you know what I have trained myself to do...I sympathize...or in reality empathize with her. Because right now...at that moment...this is a big deal for her...this is what consumes her. And I don't EVER want to make her feel like lesser person or make her feel like she can't complain to me because her husband is gone for a week and mine is gone for a month or 8 months or whatever. Because I know several Army wives out there that will and have and it just irks me! But just remember...when you start complaining about missing your husband don't be upset if that don't seem all that concerned and act like they don't want to hear about it. If you are truly friends their problems matter just as much as yours do. Is this making any sense at all?
I guess what I'm trying to say in this jumbled up mess...next time someone has a problem that you just want to laugh at...or you think is so trivial...or you may even think in your head "I wish I had your problems" ...please don't. Because just think...that problem that you may be going through...that thing that consumes you...the thing that you can't seem to look past...do you really want someone thinking the same about you...or do you just want some encouragement...someone to listen to you...to not make you feel stupid...but to make you feel like you are cared and loved for. Just remember...that's all they are really wanting...the same thing you are. So what may seem trivial to you....it's not trivial to your friend, or to your family member, or to your neighbor, or even to a stranger off the street!
So back to why my neighbor came over...she had just got back from the Vet and he told her that Stranger has a tumor in his throat and it is cancerous! Now to some out there this may seem very trivial in the whole scheme of things...but it's really not. Because today I realized as I watched my neighbor in tears and listened to her talk it through I could hear the pain in her voice...I realized that this is a really bid deal to her to say the least! Right now this problem is all she can think about...it is what is consuming her. Of course I have dogs and so I could sympathize with her. Like her I still realized my dogs are animals and not humans...but they have become a part of our family and I know if we lost one I would cry (although if you know me I do joke about it sometimes because I am overwhelmed with dogs lol) And I know some of you not only can you sympathize with her...you can empathize with her because you know what it feels like to loose a family pet.
After she left I was thinking about what had happened and how awful I feel for not only Stranger, but for Naomi (my neighbor) because she is going to have to say goodbye to a "family" member here pretty soon. And then I thought...there are those out there that would probably laugh or at least not understand why this is such a big deal. They are those that would probably want to say "I wish I had your problems". But this is when we need to stop and think...something that may seem so small to you is so huge to someone else. A teenager comes to mind. I remember when I was a teen (of course it wasn't that very long ago...of course it's getting farther away) and I thought I had these huge problems...and now as an adult I look back and I think "man I wish I had those problems now". But you know...at that time...it was such a huge deal to me...it was what consumed me...what I thought about all the time.
Another thought comes to mind...which has always been a personal pet peeve of mind. I hear it from Army (or should I say military) wives a LOT! It goes something like this...one military wife to another. "So my civilian friend's husband went out of town on business and she won't stop complaining about it....I don't want to hear how she misses her husband so much...blah blah blah blah blah...she would never be able to do what I do" I know you all know what kind of conversation I'm talking about...and you may have had it yourself. But here's something to think about! She didn't marry (or "sign up" as we Army wives like to say) the military....she didn't make a commitment to a man who chose a career that would carry him away for months at a time! So guess what...she doesn't have to prepare herself like we do. She doesn't have the "he's home" attitude nor does she know how to switch on "super mommy/woman" button. Does that make her any less of a woman then me...HECK no! It just means we fell in love with 2 different men (which is a good thing ... I don't like sharing my husband lol) So when a friend of mine's husband goes away for a weekend, or a week on business and she "complains" about missing him and him being gone...you know what I have trained myself to do...I sympathize...or in reality empathize with her. Because right now...at that moment...this is a big deal for her...this is what consumes her. And I don't EVER want to make her feel like lesser person or make her feel like she can't complain to me because her husband is gone for a week and mine is gone for a month or 8 months or whatever. Because I know several Army wives out there that will and have and it just irks me! But just remember...when you start complaining about missing your husband don't be upset if that don't seem all that concerned and act like they don't want to hear about it. If you are truly friends their problems matter just as much as yours do. Is this making any sense at all?
I guess what I'm trying to say in this jumbled up mess...next time someone has a problem that you just want to laugh at...or you think is so trivial...or you may even think in your head "I wish I had your problems" ...please don't. Because just think...that problem that you may be going through...that thing that consumes you...the thing that you can't seem to look past...do you really want someone thinking the same about you...or do you just want some encouragement...someone to listen to you...to not make you feel stupid...but to make you feel like you are cared and loved for. Just remember...that's all they are really wanting...the same thing you are. So what may seem trivial to you....it's not trivial to your friend, or to your family member, or to your neighbor, or even to a stranger off the street!
Sunday, May 9, 2010
I never believed in love at first sight until I met you
It is the end of the day...a very special day...it is Mother's Day. My 3rd Mother's Day! As I sit here thinking (scary huh?) and think back on the last 2 and half years of being a mother I can't help but be amazed. Amazed that I am not only celebrating my mom...but I am celebrating being a mom. There was a time when I actually thought this day would mean nothing more to me then celebrating my mom, and her mom, and my mother in law and my sisters beings moms...well you get the idea. And it's not because when I first got married I said I would never have children (and yes I said that....hey...don't judge...there have been worse thing said)...but it's because when I was 17 I was told by a doctor (and without really going into too much detail) that if I were to want children it would more than likely be hard for me to conceive. Of course at 17 I could care less...remember...I didn't want kids! Not that I didn't like them...I just liked giving them back. haha But somewhere along the road I had a change of heart...and Wes and I decided it was time...we wanted to add humans to our little family (we only had dogs). And then it started...the journey...but that's not what this blog is about...so I will just say this...a year and a half and 2 miscarriages later I finally got pregnant and was able to carry him to full term and on October 30, 2007 Ian Gideon Carey came into this world...and that's when I became a believer in love at first sight!
It is amazing how much love you can feel for someone that you have seen for the first time. No words are said....he does nothing for himself....he takes up all of my spare time...he cries...he poops...I clean it up...but there he was...it was all about him...and I was hopelessly completely head over heals in love!
But let me jump back several months. About a week or 2 after I found out we were having our son I was sitting at our kitchen table in Ft. Bragg and was doing my daily devotion. And I believe nothing is by chance...but it just so happened on that day that I was reading 1 Samuel chapter 1. And for those of you who are not familiar with this chapter it is a story about Hannah...a woman who could not conceive and was heartbroken because she wanted a child so badly....she was pleading with God to give her a child. It was so easy for me to relate to her...I had been there. I had cried and pleaded to God for a child...I had seen other women get pregnant and begged God to take away the jealousy...begged God to give me a child of my own...and at times it seemed like God wasn't listening...or really that maybe he was just saying no...when really he was just saying wait...wait for me...wait for my timing. I found out His timing is perfect! But anyway...back to Hannah...God finally granted her wish and she became pregnant and bore a son! (at the time I didn't realize I was having a son...but wow...another thing we have in common) And as I read farther in the chapter I came to this verse and I have to be honest...I cried...and I claimed this verse as my own...and I had peace that day...peace that I would have this child...I would finally carry full term. I Samuel 1:27 ~ For this child I prayed; and the LORD hath given me my petition which I asked of him:
I'm still looking for this scripture in a frame to hang on Ian's door! Because although I knew what Hannah was feeling when she couldn't conceive...I also know what she felt like when she did!!!!
I'm not going to lie...there are times when I get tired...times I wonder what the heck I was thinking lol Like when we are out to eat and he doesn't want to sit and eat, but I want him too...so he decides to throw himself on the floor and start screaming, or times when he is so frustrated and I don't know why so I can't help him...so he just gets more frustrated! Or when I try to break his will and he is being so stubborn and it takes an hour to get through to him...and it is to the point where we are both at tears. Times when I think that I am so tired of doing this on my own...I'm tired of being the bad guy. And then it happens...one morning I wake up to him crawling in bed with me...and I turn to look at him and he is staring at me with those big blue eyes with his thumb in his mouth holding his woof woof...wrapped up in his cars blanket and all of a sudden the sweetest most beautiful smile I have ever seen spreads across his face and he giggles and that's when I say "Thank you God...thank you for blessing me with him". It is those times that make all the hard times worth it! Because for this child I prayed...and God heard me and gave me what I wanted...what I needed...exactly when I needed it!
So on my 3rd Mother's Day...I just want to give thanks....thanks for having the privilege of being a mom...and although I don't know if God will bless us with another child (which I hope He does) I do know this... I now truly know what it feels like to fall in love at first sight and to know that no matter what happens...whatever my son does...I will always love him...it's an everlasting kind of love!
It is amazing how much love you can feel for someone that you have seen for the first time. No words are said....he does nothing for himself....he takes up all of my spare time...he cries...he poops...I clean it up...but there he was...it was all about him...and I was hopelessly completely head over heals in love!
But let me jump back several months. About a week or 2 after I found out we were having our son I was sitting at our kitchen table in Ft. Bragg and was doing my daily devotion. And I believe nothing is by chance...but it just so happened on that day that I was reading 1 Samuel chapter 1. And for those of you who are not familiar with this chapter it is a story about Hannah...a woman who could not conceive and was heartbroken because she wanted a child so badly....she was pleading with God to give her a child. It was so easy for me to relate to her...I had been there. I had cried and pleaded to God for a child...I had seen other women get pregnant and begged God to take away the jealousy...begged God to give me a child of my own...and at times it seemed like God wasn't listening...or really that maybe he was just saying no...when really he was just saying wait...wait for me...wait for my timing. I found out His timing is perfect! But anyway...back to Hannah...God finally granted her wish and she became pregnant and bore a son! (at the time I didn't realize I was having a son...but wow...another thing we have in common) And as I read farther in the chapter I came to this verse and I have to be honest...I cried...and I claimed this verse as my own...and I had peace that day...peace that I would have this child...I would finally carry full term. I Samuel 1:27 ~ For this child I prayed; and the LORD hath given me my petition which I asked of him:
I'm still looking for this scripture in a frame to hang on Ian's door! Because although I knew what Hannah was feeling when she couldn't conceive...I also know what she felt like when she did!!!!
I'm not going to lie...there are times when I get tired...times I wonder what the heck I was thinking lol Like when we are out to eat and he doesn't want to sit and eat, but I want him too...so he decides to throw himself on the floor and start screaming, or times when he is so frustrated and I don't know why so I can't help him...so he just gets more frustrated! Or when I try to break his will and he is being so stubborn and it takes an hour to get through to him...and it is to the point where we are both at tears. Times when I think that I am so tired of doing this on my own...I'm tired of being the bad guy. And then it happens...one morning I wake up to him crawling in bed with me...and I turn to look at him and he is staring at me with those big blue eyes with his thumb in his mouth holding his woof woof...wrapped up in his cars blanket and all of a sudden the sweetest most beautiful smile I have ever seen spreads across his face and he giggles and that's when I say "Thank you God...thank you for blessing me with him". It is those times that make all the hard times worth it! Because for this child I prayed...and God heard me and gave me what I wanted...what I needed...exactly when I needed it!
So on my 3rd Mother's Day...I just want to give thanks....thanks for having the privilege of being a mom...and although I don't know if God will bless us with another child (which I hope He does) I do know this... I now truly know what it feels like to fall in love at first sight and to know that no matter what happens...whatever my son does...I will always love him...it's an everlasting kind of love!
Monday, April 26, 2010
Like father like son...
"That's little Wes right there" This is a phrase I have heard over and over and over again. Now mind you I'm not upset...but that is just how much my son and my husband favor each other. So from the day our son was born there was no mistaking that he belonged to his father! As he is getting older (can't believe my baby is 2 and a half now!!!) you can start to see me in him...but there is still no mistaking that he is his father's son. But I have recently found out it does not stop there!
First off I would like to say for those of you who know my husband this will not come as a surprise, but for those of you who aren't that privileged (hahaha) let me explain. I love my husband to death but he is not...how shall I say this....a people person! And I...well I am total opposite. I can get along with just about everyone...I may not enjoy it the whole time...but you can ask Wes...no one would ever notice! Let's just say there are people out there that think we are the best of friends and I really can't stand them (and now I have you sitting here wondering if we truly are friends ... but just get over that for a second until you finish reading my blog) haha
Wes and I know this about each other...we realize we are opposites when it comes to people...but I think we balance each other out. We sometimes laugh how I am constantly coming after Wes and apologizing to people trying to "explain" to them how what Wes was saying probably came out differently then he was meaning and so on and so forth. Whereas Wes is constantly telling me when it comes to people that I have left my backbone in different places! So you get the idea...I am a people pleaser (sometimes to a fault) and Wes...well not so much. :)
So where am I going with this...well...the last few weeks I have come to realize who Ian takes after when it comes to people! And I would love to sit here and tell you he is just like his mommy...but well...I sadly can't...because I would be lying! :( I was up visiting my sister last week and several times while we were there she would say "that is such a Wes look" and I would look at my son...and sure enough...he would either be giving the "you're stupid I'm annoyed look" or "really did you just say that" or "I really just want you to go away" look. And for those of you who know Wes know exactly what I'm talking about...and my son's looks are identical to Wesley's!
I also found out that Ian's tolerance for people is right there where his dad's is. I think I was in denial for a long time and just thought it was a stage he was going through. But no...sadly...my son can't stand people for the most part. Unfortunately where as Wes has somewhat learned how to hide this (and I say that very hesitantly because most people can see Wes is annoyed except for the person that he is annoyed with) Ian is very open with his low tolerance for them. I usually try to cover with...he's just shy. Because I have to admit...when someone comes over to chat with my son...and my son gives them the cold shoulder...it can be a little embarrassing (I know...you wish you had my problems) lol And I just stand there trying to think of a way to make this person feel better about themself after getting rejected by a 2 year old all the while thinking "God...why couldn't he have taken after me in just this one area...that's all I ask for God...he can be like his dad in every other way (well almost every other way lol) but why oh why could he not have just taken after me when it comes to people" (and yes...it's a long thought...but that whole entire thought is going through my head at that exact moment...I'm just that good haha)!
I know one day I will look back and laugh at all of this....but now all I can see is not only do I have to go behind my husband so people won't think he is the meanest, most awfulest person in the world (is awfulest even a word?)...but now I have to go behind my son! Yay me!
***Disclaimer*** I do want to make clear that I love both my husband and my son! I am in no way belittling them! Nor am I really mad at them for being like this! Just sharing with you my thought for the day. (so I guess this means you can't write mean things to me about what a horrible person I am for saying such things hehe)
First off I would like to say for those of you who know my husband this will not come as a surprise, but for those of you who aren't that privileged (hahaha) let me explain. I love my husband to death but he is not...how shall I say this....a people person! And I...well I am total opposite. I can get along with just about everyone...I may not enjoy it the whole time...but you can ask Wes...no one would ever notice! Let's just say there are people out there that think we are the best of friends and I really can't stand them (and now I have you sitting here wondering if we truly are friends ... but just get over that for a second until you finish reading my blog) haha
Wes and I know this about each other...we realize we are opposites when it comes to people...but I think we balance each other out. We sometimes laugh how I am constantly coming after Wes and apologizing to people trying to "explain" to them how what Wes was saying probably came out differently then he was meaning and so on and so forth. Whereas Wes is constantly telling me when it comes to people that I have left my backbone in different places! So you get the idea...I am a people pleaser (sometimes to a fault) and Wes...well not so much. :)
So where am I going with this...well...the last few weeks I have come to realize who Ian takes after when it comes to people! And I would love to sit here and tell you he is just like his mommy...but well...I sadly can't...because I would be lying! :( I was up visiting my sister last week and several times while we were there she would say "that is such a Wes look" and I would look at my son...and sure enough...he would either be giving the "you're stupid I'm annoyed look" or "really did you just say that" or "I really just want you to go away" look. And for those of you who know Wes know exactly what I'm talking about...and my son's looks are identical to Wesley's!
I also found out that Ian's tolerance for people is right there where his dad's is. I think I was in denial for a long time and just thought it was a stage he was going through. But no...sadly...my son can't stand people for the most part. Unfortunately where as Wes has somewhat learned how to hide this (and I say that very hesitantly because most people can see Wes is annoyed except for the person that he is annoyed with) Ian is very open with his low tolerance for them. I usually try to cover with...he's just shy. Because I have to admit...when someone comes over to chat with my son...and my son gives them the cold shoulder...it can be a little embarrassing (I know...you wish you had my problems) lol And I just stand there trying to think of a way to make this person feel better about themself after getting rejected by a 2 year old all the while thinking "God...why couldn't he have taken after me in just this one area...that's all I ask for God...he can be like his dad in every other way (well almost every other way lol) but why oh why could he not have just taken after me when it comes to people" (and yes...it's a long thought...but that whole entire thought is going through my head at that exact moment...I'm just that good haha)!
I know one day I will look back and laugh at all of this....but now all I can see is not only do I have to go behind my husband so people won't think he is the meanest, most awfulest person in the world (is awfulest even a word?)...but now I have to go behind my son! Yay me!
***Disclaimer*** I do want to make clear that I love both my husband and my son! I am in no way belittling them! Nor am I really mad at them for being like this! Just sharing with you my thought for the day. (so I guess this means you can't write mean things to me about what a horrible person I am for saying such things hehe)
Monday, March 29, 2010
Just when I need Him most!
So I bet you think this is going to be a blog about my hot, sexy husband....but it's not! Well I may mention him in here....but that's not the full focus! The "Him" I am referring to is my best friend in the whole world....the one friend I have that I can ignore for days, not listen to, and then turn around and He is still there! Still forgiving me...still loving me....still wanting me to crawl in His lap so He can comfort me! If you haven't figured it out the "Him" I am talking about is Jesus!
I'm not going to lie...I have had a few rough weeks all in a row! Satan is attacking me for sure...and unfortunately I am giving him more leeway than I should be...but I have gotten to the point where I feel I am too tired to fight. But I am so amazed that even though I get to this point...God in His infinite love and wisdom still comes along and picks me up! Even when I seem to be forgetting Him He has shown me today that He has not and will not forget me!
2 things happened today that has uplifted me. To let you know about the first I will have to start by explaining that my husband and I are searching for a church where God wants us to be and serve in (well when I say we I obviously mean me since my husband is away fighting for our freedom). This has been very discouraging for me. It is very hard for me to walk into a new church by myself....it can be a lonely feeling and make you realize how aware you feel that you are alone. It's also hard because it's hard to fully explain to my husband what I think about the church so I can get his opinion when he is thousands of miles away! Well tonight 2 ladies came to visit me from a church that I have visited a few times...it was such a great visit! I felt so excited and uplifted when they left. In all honesty I didn't want them to leave...I was so enjoying the fellowship. But since I am in the midst of redoing my floors in my house I was unable to invite them in so we had to stand on the porch and talk...I felt like I was so rude...but they were very sweet and said they had both been there before!
My second experience where I felt God near was tonight when I was putting my son to bed. I just started doing devotions with him at night (because when I was little I have great memories of this with my parents...we had devotions every night). So I wanted to carry on this tradition. So we did our devotions and after I read him his Bible story I asked if he wanted to pray. I have been asking Ian this night after night for weeks now. He always says a very excited yes and so I try and help him. I start out saying "Dear Jesus" and wait for him to repeat...he never does just smiles at me. I always feel a little disappointment because I don't want to fail him as a parent...i want him to know how easy it is to talk to Jesus. So tonight Ian was once again excited to pray...I said "Dear Jesus"...again nothing...so I start praying...asking God to keep him safe and for him to sleep good and have good dreams ( he is plagued with night terrors)...when all of a sudden I heard him talking. I looked up while still praying trying to see if he was playing around instead of listening to the prayer...then I realized that his head was bowed and he was repeating what I was saying! I literally felt tears come to my eyes. Hearing his sweet little voice say "in Jesus name Amen" was enough to make my heart rejoice! There is no sweeter sound than hearing you child say the name of Jesus.
God is so good to me! He knows when I'm down....He knows when I am at my breaking point...and then in His love He comes along even when I do not ask and shows me He is still very alive in my life.
I'm not going to lie...I have had a few rough weeks all in a row! Satan is attacking me for sure...and unfortunately I am giving him more leeway than I should be...but I have gotten to the point where I feel I am too tired to fight. But I am so amazed that even though I get to this point...God in His infinite love and wisdom still comes along and picks me up! Even when I seem to be forgetting Him He has shown me today that He has not and will not forget me!
2 things happened today that has uplifted me. To let you know about the first I will have to start by explaining that my husband and I are searching for a church where God wants us to be and serve in (well when I say we I obviously mean me since my husband is away fighting for our freedom). This has been very discouraging for me. It is very hard for me to walk into a new church by myself....it can be a lonely feeling and make you realize how aware you feel that you are alone. It's also hard because it's hard to fully explain to my husband what I think about the church so I can get his opinion when he is thousands of miles away! Well tonight 2 ladies came to visit me from a church that I have visited a few times...it was such a great visit! I felt so excited and uplifted when they left. In all honesty I didn't want them to leave...I was so enjoying the fellowship. But since I am in the midst of redoing my floors in my house I was unable to invite them in so we had to stand on the porch and talk...I felt like I was so rude...but they were very sweet and said they had both been there before!
My second experience where I felt God near was tonight when I was putting my son to bed. I just started doing devotions with him at night (because when I was little I have great memories of this with my parents...we had devotions every night). So I wanted to carry on this tradition. So we did our devotions and after I read him his Bible story I asked if he wanted to pray. I have been asking Ian this night after night for weeks now. He always says a very excited yes and so I try and help him. I start out saying "Dear Jesus" and wait for him to repeat...he never does just smiles at me. I always feel a little disappointment because I don't want to fail him as a parent...i want him to know how easy it is to talk to Jesus. So tonight Ian was once again excited to pray...I said "Dear Jesus"...again nothing...so I start praying...asking God to keep him safe and for him to sleep good and have good dreams ( he is plagued with night terrors)...when all of a sudden I heard him talking. I looked up while still praying trying to see if he was playing around instead of listening to the prayer...then I realized that his head was bowed and he was repeating what I was saying! I literally felt tears come to my eyes. Hearing his sweet little voice say "in Jesus name Amen" was enough to make my heart rejoice! There is no sweeter sound than hearing you child say the name of Jesus.
God is so good to me! He knows when I'm down....He knows when I am at my breaking point...and then in His love He comes along even when I do not ask and shows me He is still very alive in my life.
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