Saturday, June 5, 2010

So weary....

So have you ever been going through life and then all of a sudden one day it seems like life just comes at you all at once? Nothing really has's the same day to day stuff you have been dealing with for months...maybe longer....but then it just comes up one day and sucker punches you in the stomach and all of a sudden you feel weary. Well that day for me was yesterday!

I don't really know what started it or how it happened...but do we ever really know? Of course it didn't help that I was not feeling well and all I wanted was for my husband to hold me...that's it. Nothing hard about that right? Well it is when your husband is thousands of miles away. And then it hit me like a full force of wind....I was instantly weary. Physically weary....yes...but more than that. It's hard to explain really. But you know what I mean...I know you have felt the same way...please tell me I'm not alone with this. And it all comes to us in different forms...different circumstances...and it doesn't matter what that circumstance's hard and so very lonely.

I have reached the point I am exhausted...I am weary! Of what you ask? Well I don't know if there is a simple's a bunch of things wrapped up in one. I am sooooo weary of this deployment. I am weary of being so far away from my husband. I am weary of going to bed by myself...I am weary of waking up all alone. I am weary of being in a huge crowd and yet still feeling so all alone. I am weary with the fact that I can't pick up the phone and call him whenever I want. I am weary of the fact that I have a new niece and I have no idea when I will ever get to meet her. I am weary because my best friend is on the other side of the United States and I can't jump in my car and go see her. I am so frustrated with the fact that I rarely see my family...I don't get to go over to their house and do cook outs. I don't get to hang out with my sisters and go shopping or go out to lunch or go get pampered. I am so weary with the thought that I have to constantly show my son pics of the my family and say their names over and over again so he won't feel like they are strangers when we do get to see each other.

I am scared of the thought that sometimes I can't remember Wes and Ian having father/son moments...although they have. It terrifies me when I sit here and think that it's weird to think of Wes as Ian's father. This may sound strange to some...but when you don't see them interact day to day you forget. And that is the worst feeling in the world!

I get so frustrated that some days when I work out I feel like a champion and then the next day I feel like I am making no improvement whatsoever! I'm tired with the fact that I can't feel confident in myself...I am so mad that on some days I feel like I'm making an improvement in my self confidence and then others I feel like I have taken 10 steps back. I just wish I had a close friend near by. One that I can call anytime and we could just hang out. The kind of hanging out where all you really have to do is sit around and you don't even have to talk the entire time but when that person leaves you feel like you just had the best day ever. I ache for that!

So as you can see a lot of things hit me yesterday...and really that is just the tip of the iceberg! And I know I'm not the only one that has these days...and I know it can be so many other things that make a person weary...I use deployment mostly because that is what I'm going through right now. So you wonder what I did, how I handled it, if I fell apart...well I'll tell you what I didn't do. I didn't sit at home feeling sorry for myself. I did what any normal girl would do...I took a shower...spent extra time on my hair and make up...put on dressier clothes and left the house. Did it better believe it. Because although as you can tell I got really weary yesterday...I DID NOT allow myself to wallow in it. I refuse!!!

So what am I trying to get at here? I don't know...maybe I'm just trying to get out some of my thoughts. Or maybe I'm trying to let someone else know that other people feel weary it's ok...don't feel bad about it...don't beat yourself up over it. If you need to stay down for a bit...stay down...but always remember...pull yourself back up! Because you know are one more day closer to being more minute closer to the end of whatever trial and difficulty your going through. And it's so will always come out a stronger person...but ONLY if you pick yourself back up!

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

I don't always love surprises, but today was different....

In about 7 days I will have been married to my husband for 5 years! Even writing that doesn't seem to make it real...but it is...I have the marriage license to prove it. Oddly enough the only time we have been together on June 10th was back in 2005...the year we married. read that right...I have never spent an anniversary with my husband! I actually just laughed out loud when I wrote that...because right now I feel that maybe I should be feeling sorry for myself...but I don't. Am I missing out on something great? Maybe I should be more depressed that day...but I doubt I will be. I'm thinking that maybe...just maybe...ignorance is bliss. If the day ever comes that I get to spend my anniversary with my husband (which I don't see that happening anytime soon) I'm afraid I may be disappointed. I have hyped it all up in my head of how great it must be since every time people find out Wes is gone on our special day they seem to be all sad for me....Wes has a lot to plan for to meet my expectations now. haha I guess it doesn't bother me too much because I know that whether or not he is with me or thousands of miles away we are both remembering what happened on that day back in 2005...and really that's all that least to me anyways.

Since we are always apart on our anniversary we usually don't make to big of a deal out of it. We do get each other cards...don't get me wrong. But we have never really done presents. But this year my husband went above and beyond what I could have imagined from him. Don't get me wrong...I love my husband dearly...but he is a guy...and what I mean is he is the guy that doesn't always think ahead on things. So today when I got home Ian got to the door before me and turned around and handed me a door hanger and said "here mommy". I just figured it was some kind of sales paper type of thing and almost threw it away...but then I realized it said Fed Ex on it. The Fed Ex guy had come by and I was not home and whatever he was trying to deliver I had to be there to show ID and sign for...which I thought was extremely weird. So it told me where I could go to pick it up. So I put Ian down for his nap and thought if he woke up in time I would go pick it up today...if not I would just wait till tomorrow. Well he woke up in time so we made our way down to Fed Ex and this is what I was handed.Now I remember Wes telling me he had ordered me something for our anniversary...but he didn't tell me what...and he also told me he would let me know when it was coming so I could be there. So I see this box and couldn't really see a return address so I was really confused. So I opened it up and was shocked to see that this huge box had a little small box in it.

Just to let you know...where my husband is right now...there are no Zales. He didn't just see a store and think...oh I'll go buy my wife some jewelry. No...he actually had to go online and do it. And he actually remembered when I saw a friends ring that she recently got from her husband how I said I would love one similar to that one day. And when I said one day I really meant one day when I feel we have enough money without me feeling guilty about it...basically that one day would never come. But for me that one day was today!!!!
And he actually remember my ring size...I can't even remember my ring size. So I couldn't really get a good picture of it with my here is a picture from the website.
And it looks way better on my finger!!! I just love my husband...I love him for being so thoughtful...I love him for listening to me when I made a comment about wanting a ring someday. I love him because although we are thousands of miles away he has made our anniversary this year so special. There are so many reasons why I love my husband...but most of all I love him because he loves me! Does that even make sense? Does it have to make sense? I's one has ever really fully been able to explain it! So thank you Wesley Carey...thank your for loving me...thank you for being my husband, my best friend....thank you for hearing me and giving me things I don't need but you know I spoil me and I LOVE it! :)