If I had a bucket list...

I'm not even sure I'm old enough to have a bucket list (hehe) but if I were to have one about a year ago running a half marathon would NOT be anywhere near it!!!! But last Saturday that is exactly what I did! And I have never felt better about myself for doing something then I did when I crossed that finish line (well except maybe having a child or whatever lol)! And this coming from a girl who a year ago could not even run a mile. I'm serious guys... One day I decided to run with Wes and I don't think I even got a 1/4 of a mile in before I told him I was done! But 2 days ago I ran 13.1 miles. I just wrote that and it still doesn't seem real. But I had some great running buddies.


My sister Julie, and our friend Mandy. This is us before the race. Not sure what gave us the crazy idea we could do this, but we did! And best of all we did it together!


There were so many runners...it was so awesome to see all these people out supporting St. Jude! We couldn't even see the start line from where we stood and there were even more people behind us!


We were in coral 12 and finally around 20 minutes after the first coral started we could see the start line!


It was all of our first time running a half marathon (that's 13.1 miles if you haven't already figured out) lol We had so much nervous energy waiting in that line we were literally jumping up and down waiting for them to let us start! We may have finished faster if we didn't waste so much energy before the start! hahaha


It was such an emotional race I think for all of us, but right now I can only really speak for me! Not only was it a huge accomplishment for me to run this race, but it was for such a great cause! And to have all of the people cheering for us as we ran! The most emotional part of it all was running through the St. Jude complex! Seeing all the families and all the signs and realizing that I am actually doing something for these families that I have never met before but are going through a much more difficult race than I was going through. And most if not all had no finish line in sight, but they never stopped, they keep running along hoping one day to cross the finish line! I was never more thankful for my son's health as I was running this weekend! I can not even come close to knowing what these families are going through and these sweet little angels...sometimes life doesn't seem fair...but these kids give such hope! Some sections were extremely hard, and those were the ones where the signs would say "in memory of". That was when I could not help but cry!

Here is me after I crossed the finish line with my medal! When Jules and I came into the stadium we could hear everyone cheering for us, especially Jason and Wes and then we saw the finish line and I don't know how but we both literally sprinted across that line!!!


The red shirts we are wearing are for a little boy Isaiah who we were running for! He is such a sweet little boy.


I ask you to go to my FB page and look him up and read about him! All he has been through this year and he even did the family race! A much bigger accomplishment than mine I have to say! What a hero! I am so glad I got to run to support him!


Before I close out I do want to thank all of those who donated money so I could be a St. Jude hero and run on Saturday! Thank you for believing in me and for donating to such a great cause...helping find a cure for cancer so these kids don't have to suffer anymore! Also a HUGE thank you to my trainer Nick Cotto!!! Nick....you are the one behind all of this. Meeting with you in Feb. of this year I would have never known that on Saturday I would have ran a half marathon. I remember telling you what my goals were, and one of my goals was to run a 5k, but you saw more than that!

And yes folks...me and my sister Jules and friend Mandy are planning our next half! We are trying to get other people to run with us this time!

What can you give?

Oh my word...it has only been 1 day and here I am blogging again! Is it possible? :) Well when you only have one vehicle and your husband needs it today then....well...here I am stuck at home! But I am content with that. :)

I know we haven't gotten through the Thanksgiving season yet and really I guess this blog should be on what I am thankful for...but it's not... Sorry...if you are wanting to know what I'm thankful for I'll have to get back to you on that another time. :) What I'm focusing on right now is Christmas! How can we not...it's pretty much being thrown in our face every where we go! I swear society is trying to block out Thanksgiving all together....but that's another topic in and of itself!

Growing up our Dad really tried his best to emphasize what Christmas is truly about. And of course we all know...it's about Jesus coming to earth as a baby (but still God) to live among us and grow into a man and then start his earthly ministry where he would some 33 years later die on the cross for us and then 3 days later rise again and one day if we accept him into our lives and hearts we will live in Heaven with Him FOREVER! So you see it is more then just his birth we are celebrating! But yes...we mainly focus on his birth...which is fine! So because it was a day in which the world has chosen to set aside to celebrate Jesus' birth, that's what my dad tried to focus on. Every year as a family we would make a banner for Jesus' birthday (just like we did for everyone else's) and we would by Jesus a birthday present! (and if I'm not mistaken my sister carries a tradition in her family where every year they make Jesus a birthday cake...chocolate on chocolate I think would have been His favorite lol)

How do you do that you ask? I mean how do you buy Jesus, God's son a birthday present? It's pretty simple really! I like to think of it as giving of yourself. Whether it's through money or deeds. A lot of times it was giving a gift to the church. But now that I'm older and Ian is really started to get excited about Christmas I was really struggling trying to decide what we should do for Jesus so that Ian could participate and start out at a young age really understanding Christmas. So what do we do? How do we give our gift to Jesus this year? There are so many options out there, but which suits our family the best...or really...which is the one God wants us to do? Do we go to soup kitchens and feed the homeless (because what does the Bible say in Matthew 25:40 if you do it unto the least of these you are doing it unto me...and I am paraphrasing I know). Do we find a family in need and anonymously drop off groceries or money for them? I even heard one year of a lady that went to the post office and got the letters from Santa that the kids would mail and would find a needy kid and give him or her what was on their wish list! I mean there are soooo many amazing things we can do...even if you don't have money...just by helping someone (like the soup kitchen)...it's giving of yourself and when we do this, we are in fact giving Jesus the best present ever!

So last night after dropping off Ian at Cubbies Wes and I went to Chick-fil-a to kind of relax and enjoy some time alone. Wes had been rock climbing all day and wanted some soup and I don't know...call me crazy...but I feel Chick-fil-a is one of the more "healthier" fast food places. Plus it is so relaxing because the people there (at least at ours) are super friendly and there is Christian music playing softly throughout the restaurant! Well, we also went there to talk about life and how we need to step back and re prioritize the way we have been living. I don't tend to normally think I am overly selfish, but if I were to be honest with myself and with all of y'all...I can tend to be selfish...I put myself first a lot and shove God in the back corner. Yes I still go to church and I sing in choir and do specials and work with the kids...but really I'm not going the extra mile. But really that's not what this blog is really about...I get side tracked easily! I guess that is my "Squirrel" moment. (You would have to watch UP to get that lol)

So sitting in Chick-fil-a (you had to know I was going somewhere with all this lol) I saw 2 different brochures sitting on a side table. And it was like God put them right there for me...kinda like hitting me across the head with it...which He has to do with me a lot...as you can tell I get side tracked easily so hitting me across the head tends to get my attention the fastest. One is all we are familiar with (well really both are pretty familiar). But the first I have decided will be a tradition with our family because Ian can really get involved in it. It is Operation Christmas Child! (I know several churches that do this) What a neat idea. All you do is take a shoe box and fill it with goodies and then put $7 with it so they can mail it to the child in need who wouldn't normally have a Christmas! I mean how simple...it's a shoe box guys! They aren't that big. It's not that big of a sacrifice really? Think of it as not going out to eat at all for a week...one week...take that money and you will have more than enough to help another child be happy. I mean cause really I'm sure we could all take a week off from eating out...just saying. :) Plus my thought is each year whatever age Ian is that is the age group we will buy for. So Ian can be 100% involved!!! How fun is that?

The next brochure I found is Mana Cafe Ministries which is kind of like a food/mobile pantry for the poor and homeless. You can donate money of course...or as we all know non perishable items! How many of us right now have non perishable items in our house? I have several!!! Can you spare some? I'm thinking you can! But this post is not to pressure you...just showing you that even if you aren't abundantly blessed with cash flow this year...there is something you can do for others...and in turn Happy Birthday Jesus!

It's so easy folks....just make sure this Christmas season you don't get caught up in all the hustle and bustle (those are fun words aren't they) of things and don't slow down enough to realize that person on the side of the road in need. Or maybe the older lady or man struggling getting their groceries in there car! Or perhaps especially around here...the mother all alone with her children struggling to open the door or carrying all the stuff she is required to carry when you have kids. Remember...if you do it to the least of them....who are you really doing it to?

Please understand this...I am not bashing Christmas and gift giving! I still love buying gifts for family, and I still LOVE receiving gifts from people. :) But if I just for a few minutes made you stop and think about the true meaning of Christmas and what we really should be focusing on I have somehow through this jumbled up mess of thoughts succeeded! It's giving of ourself. So my challenge to you this year as we are thinking of our decorations for Christmas, and what we are going to cook Christmas day, who is going to be there and as we are all now in our Christmas shopping mode...as you think of your kids and spouse and siblings...what would they want for Christmas...don't forget to as yourself..."What can I give Jesus this year"!

Pondering....

Gah! Why oh why is it so hard for me to actually sit down and write a blog? I guess for one I actually have to be at my laptop...which I rarely am these days (which is actually kind of nice...I can survive without internet...amazing lol) and two I have to be at home...which is also not usual for me. But I'm loving my life and I'm not sure I would change it...well maybe just a few things. :)

So lately there have been 2 things that I have been thinking about a lot lately and have discussed them only really with my husband. I always get nervous discussing my thoughts with other people...just in case they sound stupid...which a lot of times I'm sure they do. haha But here it goes anyway...just please be kind in your responses. :)

Over the last couple of months I have really been dipping into God's Word. It is so refreshing and I constantly wonder why we are too busy for it. I mean I have failed at this miserably...but every time I take the time to rest in his Word I notice a huge difference in my day. And subsequently so does Satan and he does NOT like it. But anyway...I guess because of this new pattern I have started in my life it has caused me to think a lot on I guess you could say more Spiritual things. So here it goes.

My first thought is on contentment. I mean seriously...how many of us our truly content with the way our life is? I have heard a lot of people say "I am perfectly content with who I am and how my life is". And if they are, I applaud them...but I have to wonder how honest they are being. Cause admit it...in our minds we can always stand to loose a few pounds...or have a bigger house, or a better car, or a bigger tv, or new clothes and so on and so forth. But recently I have been talking to Wes and I brought up the thought that I think God may be trying to teach us how to be content! At the early onset of our marriage we started using our credit cards for things we thought we needed (I will come back later about credit cards because this is my next thought). Anyway...over the next several years the interest has gone crazy and we have used them off and on. Before Wes deployed this past year we did Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University. If you have never done this I recommend it to EVERYONE!!! It is so awesome and will help you in numerous ways. Anyway...God provided through 5th Group who was doing it free for families that are in Group to allow us to go. During this first week of this class we started changing the way we lived financially and it was so freeing!!!! Over the course of Wes' deployment we paid off the majority of our debt (the truck is still not paid for....yet). Which is a HUGE deal for us! I have slept better and we are happier. But then Wes comes home and first Bailey (Wes' dog) has to have ear surgery, then our truck is rear ended, then our hot water heater went out, then one of our tires went flat, then our truck battery died, then our dryer went out...I mean seriously people...the list goes on and on! And as you an imagine our big plans for getting another vehicle, and a new tv, and several other things that we had plans for (to pay with cash of course) pretty much fell through the cracks! So I had to step back and see what in the world can we learn through these trials...I knew God has something in there that we could benefit from. And He did...because as I told Wes..."I think God is trying to teach us how to be content with what we have"!

Now that is a concept! lol I mean it's right there in the Bible! Let your conversation be without covetousness; and be content with such things as ye have: for he hath said, I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee. Hebrews 13:5

It is hard though....but I am trying to learn to be content. I have so much to be thankful for that I need to focus on what God has given me already...not what I want Him to give me. Not that I necessarily feel it's wrong to want things...but I do think we are more focused on God being a God who gives and gives and gives, when we rarely give back. Seriously...who wants to be that person? We have all been around those people who are constantly taking, but never giving....how selfish is that! But how often is that us when it comes to God? But like I said...it is so hard for me some days. How can I be content with our house that seems smaller every day!!! lol Or the fact that we only have one vehicle...I just want my own car...so I can feel a little freedom and not have to constantly ask Wes what's going on work so I can see if I can have the truck that day (and he is never selfish with it...just some days...like today...he HAS to have it). Or on those days when I think how much another child would complete our family...how Ian would love a sibling to play with...but for whatever God's reason He has chosen to make it nearly impossible for us to have kids (doctors words not mine). I would be content to not have to have Wes or I run through all these crazy test and go through the fertility treatments that seem to lie ahead of us...but God has other ways.

You see...I need to be content (and thankful) that we have our house...a roof above our heads. How many people out there want just that. I need to be content (and thankful) for our truck. Thankful that we have a way to go from place to place and can rely on it. I need to be content with the perfect family God has given to me and Wes and I am extremely thankful God decided to give me our son! I think if we learn to be content then God will give us more and more. Now that is not to say you should be content so you can get more....that is NOT what I'm trying to say...but I'm pretty sure you understood my meaning. Plus...check out the end of the verse...He (God) will never (and I mean NEVER) leave us or forsake us! Wow..that is an amazing thought! No matter what we do or how disappointing we are God will NEVER leave us! Now that in and of it self should leave us content. Ok...so that was my first thought! :)

My second thought which should be shorter is something that has been bothering and convicting me as well. I posed this question to Wes the other day "How many times do you think we have robbed God of blessing us"? I know...kind of a weird question...but I have really been thinking about it. My main focus...credit cards! There are many awful things I can say about them...but I won't right now...my main thought is how we use them because we are relying on ourself! You saw the huge list of things that went wrong after Wes came home and you also saw where we paid off our debt. Well as you can imagine we quickly went through our savings right as he came home....and what do you think happened when we ran out of that? You guessed it...when the next thing came up and we didn't see the money in our savings or checking account we did what most people would do...we pulled out our credit card!

Why the heck did we do that? Did not God tell us in the Bible Philippians 4:19 But my God shall supply all your need according to his riches in glory by Christ Jesus.

But I have actually heard this and I'm pretty sure I said it myself "Thank God I had that credit card and had money on it"! Really? I mean seriously? I'm pretty sure the verse says God will supply our need through His riches...not through our credit card. So I wondered...how many times over the last several years that I have had a credit card have I robbed God of blessing my because I assumed just maybe this unexpected bill or problem came as a shock to Him so I better pull out the card and He can supply the need later. Which from experience doesn't happen that way. I mean...yes...God still supplies the money to pay the bills...but it's not the same...now I'm paying for it for years when if I just waited on God he would have supplied it right then and there in His own way. Cause after all isn't a hot water heater a need....as well as a working dryer? I tend to think it is...especially when I had to live without both for a bit! lol I think sometimes we rely on the old credit card because we just can't possibly see how God could supply our need immediately out of no where...and that is where we are limiting God and what He can do. Because don't forget...He said He would supply ALL of our need!

But anyway...this is just the tip of the iceberg of where my thoughts have been...this has been super long already and I think you get my point...so I'll shut up! Next time I blog hopefully it won't take as long and it will be a little more upbeat! Until then...let's learn to be content with what God has given us and try not to rob Him from blessing you!

I will praise You in the Storm!

So I realize it has been MONTHS since I have written a blog and I'm guessing y'all probably thought I had forgotten about blogging or was just "over" it! Well I'm not...so there!!! :) In all honesty though I have struggled with not blogging...don't get me wrong...I have wanted to blog...but if I can be truthful here I have been going through a huge storm in my life right now and I am not at the place right now where I am able to share with everyone what is going on! I know y'all understand because I know each and everyone of you has been here before. Probably not going through the same thing I am...but going through something that is so overwhelming.

Friends, in the last month...well pretty much last 2 months my world has been rocked! And not in the good way. I have felt like someone has taken my life turned it upside down shook it then threw it on the ground and trampled on it! I'm not over exaggerating here either. Have you ever been in a place where it literally feels like your entire world has come to a stop? You are going along in life thinking that you are on the right track, doing what you need to do then BAM!!!!! You find yourself smack on your face....and the hardest part about it....it's not even your fault. It is the result of someone else's actions. Well that is where I am...or at least have been and I'm so exhausted from it all. Trying to pick up the pieces of life and not really sure how.

Well tonight my Pastor (ok...I have to stop here for a minute because I love the sound of that "my pastor"! We have been looking for a church for such a long time and have finally found the right one at the right time and I LOVE IT!!!! Ok now back to the thought)! My Pastor preached about "Power in Praise"! He went to Acts 16:25-30. For those unfamiliar with the Bible this is a story about 2 men named Paul and Silas who were stripped of their clothes and beaten and put in prison where there feet were put in stocks for no reason except they were doing the work of God!

So let me tell you how God spoke to me through my Pastor's sermon tonight. Of course I will tell it a little differently then him...but that's ok...I'm sure he won't mind! So picture this...imagine doing the work of God and one day a crowd of people getting mad at you because speaking the truth has made them uncomfortable! So they take you, rip your clothes of and beat you, and then drag you to prison and put your feet in stocks so you can't even get up and move! And this prison is not like ours now days. They were on the floor of a cold nasty probably damp cell...and I can imagine there were rats and who knows what running around down there. I don't know about you but me...I would be having a huge pity party! I would be wondering what God was thinking...why had He not watched out for me? But this is NOT what Paul and Silas do....instead of feeling sorry for themselves and letting their circumstances get the best of them they actually started singing praises to God! (vs. 25) I mean seriously? Were they crazy? Did they not see what an awful, horrible situation they were in? Of course they did, but unlike me, they rose above themselves and their surroundings and focused on something so much better! They focused on God and all that He had done for them and they were overwhelmed with praise!

There were several things Pastor gave us about the Power of Praise, but here are 3 things that pretty much jumped out at me! First of all Praise helps you rise above your circumstances! Seriously..think about this! If you are going through a struggle and it seems like life is never going to right itself just stop for even a minute and find something to praise about. Praise Him that you are alive! I don't know what your health situation is like...but if you are reading this I'm guessing you are breathing! Praise Him for that! Praise him for food on the table, for clothes on your back, for a house to live in, for your kids, spouse, mom, dad, for the life he has given you! Even going through this short list here has to make you feel at least a little bit better about life! Come on...you can admit it...you do feel better!

Secondly when you give praise unto God your chains will be loosed! This one was such an amazing concept to me and I'm not sure why I had never saw it! Remember how Paul and Silas were praising God? Well in verse 26 it said suddenly there was an earthquake, all the doors opened and everyone's chains were loosed (I am paraphrasing I know...but you get the idea)! I was sitting in church tonight and it was like a light bulb turned on in my head. I am not in a physical jail, nor am I in physical chains...but the last couple of months I have felt like I have been in chains! It feels like life is weighing me down and I can't move. I feel such pain and sorrow and it is tying me down and I cannot get out from underneath it. But I realized something tonight....this is the perfect time to praise God! I know this sounds crazy guys, especially for those of you who know what I have been going through...but I'm telling you this is the perfect time for Praise. For when we start praising God for things such as money to pay bills, a truck to drive, a job security for my husband, bringing my husband home safe, for soldiers who are willing to fight for our freedom so we can live in the greatest country in the world. Praising Him for sending his Son to die for our sins, and not only dying but most importantly rising again 3 days later so one day we can live with Him forever....slowly...well in reality not so slowly those chains will break loose and we will be free!

And last of all when you Praise God the Doors will open! It also says in verse 26 that the prison doors flew open...yet when the prison guard came in all the prisoners were still there! Now here is a new concept that you might not have thought of! I don't know about you, but if I was in prison and my chains came loose and the doors burst open, I'm pretty sure I would have been busting out of that place! Just being straight up honest here! But they didn't! They stayed and the jalier got saved that night as well as his household! Praise the Lord!!!! So what is the concept? Well sometimes the doors will fly open and God does want us to go through them. But what if He opens the doors but wants us to stay? I had never thought of this before tonight. Surely if God seems to give us a way out then we should take it right? That's what I thought, but through my Pastor God showed me something new. Now stick with me for a minute, I realize this blog is super long, but this point really brings it all together. What if God is opening the door not for you to escape through, but for people to see you through? If you are praising God through a storm and God opens the door others will be able to see God working through you. They will be able to see that you are going through something so intense, so bleak, so dark that is seems there is no hope, but you are praising God! What an amazing testimony! How many lives can be touched through the storm that you are going through and through the fact that you are still able to praise God!

There is a reason why God has put me in the storm I am in! And most days, ok...not most days, every day so far I have not understood why. I have gone through every possible emotion you can go through! Hurt, anger, depression, frustration....you get the picture, if it's an emotion...I've gone through it! But if I but praise God and focus on all the things he has given me I can rise above this circumstance, my chains from this horrible prison can be loosed and my doors can and will be thrown open! The question is...do I walk through them and escape or do I stay and let others look through them at me and see my praise? How easy it would be to escape, to leave it all behind me. To walk away and say "I gave it my best, but thank God he made a way of escape"! I could easily say that and no one would think any less of me. But you know what? I think I will stay and let others look through those doors and into my struggles and see my praise because I know once I get through this storm God has an awesome plan for me and I want to help others going through a storm like me to realize there is hope, there is peace if we but only Praise!

So I dare you... whatever storm you are in, whatever life has thrown at you, however down you are, however low you are, just for the next 5 minutes....even the next minute Praise God! The Pastor challenged us to list at least 7 things to praise God about and I guarantee you if you do you will feel your circumstances changing and you will feel your chains loosed! So what are you waiting for? Do it!!!! Just Praise God! It's really that easy!

So weary....

So have you ever been going through life and then all of a sudden one day it seems like life just comes at you all at once? Nothing really has changed...it's the same day to day stuff you have been dealing with for months...maybe longer....but then it just comes up one day and sucker punches you in the stomach and all of a sudden you feel weary. Well that day for me was yesterday!

I don't really know what started it or how it happened...but do we ever really know? Of course it didn't help that I was not feeling well and all I wanted was for my husband to hold me...that's it. Nothing hard about that right? Well it is when your husband is thousands of miles away. And then it hit me like a full force of wind....I was instantly weary. Physically weary....yes...but more than that. It's hard to explain really. But you know what I mean...I know you have felt the same way...please tell me I'm not alone with this. And it all comes to us in different forms...different circumstances...and it doesn't matter what that circumstance is...it's hard and so very lonely.

I have reached the point I am exhausted...I am weary! Of what you ask? Well I don't know if there is a simple answer...it's a bunch of things wrapped up in one. I am sooooo weary of this deployment. I am weary of being so far away from my husband. I am weary of going to bed by myself...I am weary of waking up all alone. I am weary of being in a huge crowd and yet still feeling so all alone. I am weary with the fact that I can't pick up the phone and call him whenever I want. I am weary of the fact that I have a new niece and I have no idea when I will ever get to meet her. I am weary because my best friend is on the other side of the United States and I can't jump in my car and go see her. I am so frustrated with the fact that I rarely see my family...I don't get to go over to their house and do cook outs. I don't get to hang out with my sisters and go shopping or go out to lunch or go get pampered. I am so weary with the thought that I have to constantly show my son pics of the my family and say their names over and over again so he won't feel like they are strangers when we do get to see each other.

I am scared of the thought that sometimes I can't remember Wes and Ian having father/son moments...although they have. It terrifies me when I sit here and think that it's weird to think of Wes as Ian's father. This may sound strange to some...but when you don't see them interact day to day you forget. And that is the worst feeling in the world!

I get so frustrated that some days when I work out I feel like a champion and then the next day I feel like I am making no improvement whatsoever! I'm tired with the fact that I can't feel confident in myself...I am so mad that on some days I feel like I'm making an improvement in my self confidence and then others I feel like I have taken 10 steps back. I just wish I had a close friend near by. One that I can call anytime and we could just hang out. The kind of hanging out where all you really have to do is sit around and you don't even have to talk the entire time but when that person leaves you feel like you just had the best day ever. I ache for that!

So as you can see a lot of things hit me yesterday...and really that is just the tip of the iceberg! And I know I'm not the only one that has these days...and I know it can be so many other things that make a person weary...I use deployment mostly because that is what I'm going through right now. So you wonder what I did, how I handled it, if I fell apart...well I'll tell you what I didn't do. I didn't sit at home feeling sorry for myself. I did what any normal girl would do...I took a shower...spent extra time on my hair and make up...put on dressier clothes and left the house. Did it help...you better believe it. Because although as you can tell I got really weary yesterday...I DID NOT allow myself to wallow in it. I refuse!!!

So what am I trying to get at here? I don't know...maybe I'm just trying to get out some of my thoughts. Or maybe I'm trying to let someone else know that other people feel weary too...so it's ok...don't feel bad about it...don't beat yourself up over it. If you need to stay down for a bit...stay down...but always remember...pull yourself back up! Because you know what...you are one more day closer to being done....one more minute closer to the end of whatever trial and difficulty your going through. And it's so true...you will always come out a stronger person...but ONLY if you pick yourself back up!

I don't always love surprises, but today was different....

In about 7 days I will have been married to my husband for 5 years! Even writing that doesn't seem to make it real...but it is...I have the marriage license to prove it. Oddly enough the only time we have been together on June 10th was back in 2005...the year we married. Yep...you read that right...I have never spent an anniversary with my husband! I actually just laughed out loud when I wrote that...because right now I feel that maybe I should be feeling sorry for myself...but I don't. Am I missing out on something great? Maybe I should be more depressed that day...but I doubt I will be. I'm thinking that maybe...just maybe...ignorance is bliss. If the day ever comes that I get to spend my anniversary with my husband (which I don't see that happening anytime soon) I'm afraid I may be disappointed. I have hyped it all up in my head of how great it must be since every time people find out Wes is gone on our special day they seem to be all sad for me....Wes has a lot to plan for to meet my expectations now. haha I guess it doesn't bother me too much because I know that whether or not he is with me or thousands of miles away we are both remembering what happened on that day back in 2005...and really that's all that matters...at least to me anyways.

Since we are always apart on our anniversary we usually don't make to big of a deal out of it. We do get each other cards...don't get me wrong. But we have never really done presents. But this year my husband went above and beyond what I could have imagined from him. Don't get me wrong...I love my husband dearly...but he is a guy...and what I mean is he is the guy that doesn't always think ahead on things. So today when I got home Ian got to the door before me and turned around and handed me a door hanger and said "here mommy". I just figured it was some kind of sales paper type of thing and almost threw it away...but then I realized it said Fed Ex on it. The Fed Ex guy had come by and I was not home and whatever he was trying to deliver I had to be there to show ID and sign for...which I thought was extremely weird. So it told me where I could go to pick it up. So I put Ian down for his nap and thought if he woke up in time I would go pick it up today...if not I would just wait till tomorrow. Well he woke up in time so we made our way down to Fed Ex and this is what I was handed.Now I remember Wes telling me he had ordered me something for our anniversary...but he didn't tell me what...and he also told me he would let me know when it was coming so I could be there. So I see this box and couldn't really see a return address so I was really confused. So I opened it up and was shocked to see that this huge box had a little small box in it.

Just to let you know...where my husband is right now...there are no Zales. He didn't just see a store and think...oh I'll go buy my wife some jewelry. No...he actually had to go online and do it. And he actually remembered when I saw a friends ring that she recently got from her husband how I said I would love one similar to that one day. And when I said one day I really meant one day when I feel we have enough money without me feeling guilty about it...basically that one day would never come. But for me that one day was today!!!!
And he actually remember my ring size...I can't even remember my ring size. So I couldn't really get a good picture of it with my camera...so here is a picture from the website.
And it looks way better on my finger!!! I just love my husband...I love him for being so thoughtful...I love him for listening to me when I made a comment about wanting a ring someday. I love him because although we are thousands of miles away he has made our anniversary this year so special. There are so many reasons why I love my husband...but most of all I love him because he loves me! Does that even make sense? Does it have to make sense? I mean...it's love...no one has ever really fully been able to explain it! So thank you Wesley Carey...thank your for loving me...thank you for being my husband, my best friend....thank you for hearing me and giving me things I don't need but you know I want...you spoil me and I LOVE it! :)

While he is away projects....

So I know I just wrote a blog...and I'm usually a once a month kind a blogger...but today I'm breaking the cycle!!! But probably only for this once...I'm not that good! So I am waiting for my husband to get off of his shift at 2 am so I can talk to him. So I thought I would do something useful with my time! In reality I am falling asleep and I desperately need help staying awake. So for all I know this blog may be a jumbled mess!

So I had this wonderful idea (I wish you could hear the sarcastic way I am saying that) of what to do to keep myself busy while my husband is away on "business" ;) Now what can keep me busy for several months...then this brilliant idea hits me...what a great time to put wood floors in our house! So now that I am waist deep in renovating... not looking like such a brilliant idea anymore. lol Who knew there would be so many decisions to make? Also who knew that pulling up carpet and putting wood floors in would cause me to decided my ENTIRE house needed painting...or that I needed new rugs...or that I needed new pictures to hang on my walls...or that I needed a new bedspread.... or that Ian needed a new theme for his room...or that I needed a new shower curtain...oh and don't forget the curtains for my living room, and we all know you can't get new curtains without getting a new curtain rod...and the curtain rod in the living room has to match the one in the dining room since technically they are all the same room. Oh and don't forget the new shed I got and when I got the shed up realized it might be a good idea to go ahead and fence in the entire back yard! Are you understanding why maybe this wasn't such a brilliant idea anymore?

First it's going to pick out the wood for the floors. How was I supposed to know that there was such a huge variety to choose from! And I had to do it ALL by myself :( So many times I have been going through this whole renovation process and I stop and think..."this is Wesley's house too...shouldn't he have a say in how it looks...shouldn't he be stressing right along with me?" Well surprise, surprise...Wes could care less what kinds of wood floor I get...as long as I like it...oh and he's not stressed at all. LoL I was so very proud of myself though...I found this warehouse place that sales wood flooring at such an awesome price!!! I was able to get wood for my entire house plus the padding that goes underneath for $1500!!!!! Yay me! And it's a good thing I got it when I did because that flood we had...yeah...wiped the store out. I bet they have really great prices now hehe

I have such a great friend (well really the entire family) who has helped me put the floors in. Ok...what am I saying...he didn't help me...he did it all by himself while I just stood around feeling helpless...so I left lol It is looking so awesome!!! I even have the living room and dining room painted thanks to my mom who came and visited me. Fair warning...if you come to visit me I may put you to work :) My living room is now a khaki color and my dining room is a dark red...it looks so great. I actually ended up buying my rug from Walmart (I know...I'm surprised as well) and it was on sale and the last one they had! It tied the room together perfectly. I got to hang all my new pictures that I have been saving to put up whenever I got around to painting and finally...after living here for close to 3 years my pictures have been hung :)

My next big project is painting the rest of the house. The bathroom will probably be the most challenging for me. I'm doing it a solid color on the bottom and the top is going to be stripes. I was going to do stripes in Ian's room, but after taping off the bathroom...yeah...I decided against it. I have an awesome idea for Ian's room though...but you'll have to wait till it's done and I post the pictures! What? I have to keep you coming back for more somehow lol My room is going to be a pale blue to match the new bed spread I just got. Well that's actually a long story in and of itself...but I should save that for another blog.

So yeah...we are a little over half way done with this deployment and sadly I am not half way done with this house. Can I make it? You better believe it! So yeah...I think next deployment maybe I'll just travel or something lol

Oh wait...did I mention that I am tiling the bathroom and the kitchen and washroom. Oh and when Wes gets back we will be getting new light fixtures for the living room, kitchen, dining and bathroom...and possibly the rest of the house :)

Remember something that seems trivial to you is a big deal to someone else!!!

Tonight I am thinking about my neighbor...she is really heavy on my mind tonight! Is this normal you might be asking yourself? Well as much as I would like to make myself out to sound like this wonderful over caring neighbor this does not mean I am ALWAYS thinking of my neighbors. Does this make me an awful person? I like to think not. But anyway...back to topic. Today my neighbor came knocking on my door...which isn't unusual...we do have a friendly relationship. And since she lives with her mom it is not uncommon for her to come over to sit and chat and just get away from her mom...not to say that her mom is an awful person...she is not...but you ladies know what I'm talking about! (once again...going away from topic...what is wrong with me? lol) So I answered my door and I could tell something was wrong...so I invited her in to have a seat. To give a little background my neighbor is a dog lover...they are her life. Don't get me wrong...she still realizes that they are not humans..but she has a very close attachment to them. Well one of her dogs whose name is Stranger has not really been acting himself lately...so she took him to the Vet and they said he had allergies and gave him antibiotics and stuff like that. Well this morning she brought him over and the right side of his face was all droopy like he had had a stroke...it looked so awful and broke my heart to see him like that.

So back to why my neighbor came over...she had just got back from the Vet and he told her that Stranger has a tumor in his throat and it is cancerous! Now to some out there this may seem very trivial in the whole scheme of things...but it's really not. Because today I realized as I watched my neighbor in tears and listened to her talk it through I could hear the pain in her voice...I realized that this is a really bid deal to her to say the least! Right now this problem is all she can think about...it is what is consuming her. Of course I have dogs and so I could sympathize with her. Like her I still realized my dogs are animals and not humans...but they have become a part of our family and I know if we lost one I would cry (although if you know me I do joke about it sometimes because I am overwhelmed with dogs lol) And I know some of you not only can you sympathize with her...you can empathize with her because you know what it feels like to loose a family pet.

After she left I was thinking about what had happened and how awful I feel for not only Stranger, but for Naomi (my neighbor) because she is going to have to say goodbye to a "family" member here pretty soon. And then I thought...there are those out there that would probably laugh or at least not understand why this is such a big deal. They are those that would probably want to say "I wish I had your problems". But this is when we need to stop and think...something that may seem so small to you is so huge to someone else. A teenager comes to mind. I remember when I was a teen (of course it wasn't that very long ago...of course it's getting farther away) and I thought I had these huge problems...and now as an adult I look back and I think "man I wish I had those problems now". But you know...at that time...it was such a huge deal to me...it was what consumed me...what I thought about all the time.

Another thought comes to mind...which has always been a personal pet peeve of mind. I hear it from Army (or should I say military) wives a LOT! It goes something like this...one military wife to another. "So my civilian friend's husband went out of town on business and she won't stop complaining about it....I don't want to hear how she misses her husband so much...blah blah blah blah blah...she would never be able to do what I do" I know you all know what kind of conversation I'm talking about...and you may have had it yourself. But here's something to think about! She didn't marry (or "sign up" as we Army wives like to say) the military....she didn't make a commitment to a man who chose a career that would carry him away for months at a time! So guess what...she doesn't have to prepare herself like we do. She doesn't have the "he's home" attitude nor does she know how to switch on "super mommy/woman" button. Does that make her any less of a woman then me...HECK no! It just means we fell in love with 2 different men (which is a good thing ... I don't like sharing my husband lol) So when a friend of mine's husband goes away for a weekend, or a week on business and she "complains" about missing him and him being gone...you know what I have trained myself to do...I sympathize...or in reality empathize with her. Because right now...at that moment...this is a big deal for her...this is what consumes her. And I don't EVER want to make her feel like lesser person or make her feel like she can't complain to me because her husband is gone for a week and mine is gone for a month or 8 months or whatever. Because I know several Army wives out there that will and have and it just irks me! But just remember...when you start complaining about missing your husband don't be upset if that don't seem all that concerned and act like they don't want to hear about it. If you are truly friends their problems matter just as much as yours do. Is this making any sense at all?

I guess what I'm trying to say in this jumbled up mess...next time someone has a problem that you just want to laugh at...or you think is so trivial...or you may even think in your head "I wish I had your problems" ...please don't. Because just think...that problem that you may be going through...that thing that consumes you...the thing that you can't seem to look past...do you really want someone thinking the same about you...or do you just want some encouragement...someone to listen to you...to not make you feel stupid...but to make you feel like you are cared and loved for. Just remember...that's all they are really wanting...the same thing you are. So what may seem trivial to you....it's not trivial to your friend, or to your family member, or to your neighbor, or even to a stranger off the street!

I never believed in love at first sight until I met you

It is the end of the day...a very special day...it is Mother's Day. My 3rd Mother's Day! As I sit here thinking (scary huh?) and think back on the last 2 and half years of being a mother I can't help but be amazed. Amazed that I am not only celebrating my mom...but I am celebrating being a mom. There was a time when I actually thought this day would mean nothing more to me then celebrating my mom, and her mom, and my mother in law and my sisters beings moms...well you get the idea. And it's not because when I first got married I said I would never have children (and yes I said that....hey...don't judge...there have been worse thing said)...but it's because when I was 17 I was told by a doctor (and without really going into too much detail) that if I were to want children it would more than likely be hard for me to conceive. Of course at 17 I could care less...remember...I didn't want kids! Not that I didn't like them...I just liked giving them back. haha But somewhere along the road I had a change of heart...and Wes and I decided it was time...we wanted to add humans to our little family (we only had dogs). And then it started...the journey...but that's not what this blog is about...so I will just say this...a year and a half and 2 miscarriages later I finally got pregnant and was able to carry him to full term and on October 30, 2007 Ian Gideon Carey came into this world...and that's when I became a believer in love at first sight!

It is amazing how much love you can feel for someone that you have seen for the first time. No words are said....he does nothing for himself....he takes up all of my spare time...he cries...he poops...I clean it up...but there he was...it was all about him...and I was hopelessly completely head over heals in love!

But let me jump back several months. About a week or 2 after I found out we were having our son I was sitting at our kitchen table in Ft. Bragg and was doing my daily devotion. And I believe nothing is by chance...but it just so happened on that day that I was reading 1 Samuel chapter 1. And for those of you who are not familiar with this chapter it is a story about Hannah...a woman who could not conceive and was heartbroken because she wanted a child so badly....she was pleading with God to give her a child. It was so easy for me to relate to her...I had been there. I had cried and pleaded to God for a child...I had seen other women get pregnant and begged God to take away the jealousy...begged God to give me a child of my own...and at times it seemed like God wasn't listening...or really that maybe he was just saying no...when really he was just saying wait...wait for me...wait for my timing. I found out His timing is perfect! But anyway...back to Hannah...God finally granted her wish and she became pregnant and bore a son! (at the time I didn't realize I was having a son...but wow...another thing we have in common) And as I read farther in the chapter I came to this verse and I have to be honest...I cried...and I claimed this verse as my own...and I had peace that day...peace that I would have this child...I would finally carry full term. I Samuel 1:27 ~ For this child I prayed; and the LORD hath given me my petition which I asked of him:

I'm still looking for this scripture in a frame to hang on Ian's door! Because although I knew what Hannah was feeling when she couldn't conceive...I also know what she felt like when she did!!!!

I'm not going to lie...there are times when I get tired...times I wonder what the heck I was thinking lol Like when we are out to eat and he doesn't want to sit and eat, but I want him too...so he decides to throw himself on the floor and start screaming, or times when he is so frustrated and I don't know why so I can't help him...so he just gets more frustrated! Or when I try to break his will and he is being so stubborn and it takes an hour to get through to him...and it is to the point where we are both at tears. Times when I think that I am so tired of doing this on my own...I'm tired of being the bad guy. And then it happens...one morning I wake up to him crawling in bed with me...and I turn to look at him and he is staring at me with those big blue eyes with his thumb in his mouth holding his woof woof...wrapped up in his cars blanket and all of a sudden the sweetest most beautiful smile I have ever seen spreads across his face and he giggles and that's when I say "Thank you God...thank you for blessing me with him". It is those times that make all the hard times worth it! Because for this child I prayed...and God heard me and gave me what I wanted...what I needed...exactly when I needed it!

So on my 3rd Mother's Day...I just want to give thanks....thanks for having the privilege of being a mom...and although I don't know if God will bless us with another child (which I hope He does) I do know this... I now truly know what it feels like to fall in love at first sight and to know that no matter what happens...whatever my son does...I will always love him...it's an everlasting kind of love!

Like father like son...

"That's little Wes right there" This is a phrase I have heard over and over and over again. Now mind you I'm not upset...but that is just how much my son and my husband favor each other. So from the day our son was born there was no mistaking that he belonged to his father! As he is getting older (can't believe my baby is 2 and a half now!!!) you can start to see me in him...but there is still no mistaking that he is his father's son. But I have recently found out it does not stop there!

First off I would like to say for those of you who know my husband this will not come as a surprise, but for those of you who aren't that privileged (hahaha) let me explain. I love my husband to death but he is not...how shall I say this....a people person! And I...well I am total opposite. I can get along with just about everyone...I may not enjoy it the whole time...but you can ask Wes...no one would ever notice! Let's just say there are people out there that think we are the best of friends and I really can't stand them (and now I have you sitting here wondering if we truly are friends ... but just get over that for a second until you finish reading my blog) haha

Wes and I know this about each other...we realize we are opposites when it comes to people...but I think we balance each other out. We sometimes laugh how I am constantly coming after Wes and apologizing to people trying to "explain" to them how what Wes was saying probably came out differently then he was meaning and so on and so forth. Whereas Wes is constantly telling me when it comes to people that I have left my backbone in different places! So you get the idea...I am a people pleaser (sometimes to a fault) and Wes...well not so much. :)

So where am I going with this...well...the last few weeks I have come to realize who Ian takes after when it comes to people! And I would love to sit here and tell you he is just like his mommy...but well...I sadly can't...because I would be lying! :( I was up visiting my sister last week and several times while we were there she would say "that is such a Wes look" and I would look at my son...and sure enough...he would either be giving the "you're stupid I'm annoyed look" or "really did you just say that" or "I really just want you to go away" look. And for those of you who know Wes know exactly what I'm talking about...and my son's looks are identical to Wesley's!

I also found out that Ian's tolerance for people is right there where his dad's is. I think I was in denial for a long time and just thought it was a stage he was going through. But no...sadly...my son can't stand people for the most part. Unfortunately where as Wes has somewhat learned how to hide this (and I say that very hesitantly because most people can see Wes is annoyed except for the person that he is annoyed with) Ian is very open with his low tolerance for them. I usually try to cover with...he's just shy. Because I have to admit...when someone comes over to chat with my son...and my son gives them the cold shoulder...it can be a little embarrassing (I know...you wish you had my problems) lol And I just stand there trying to think of a way to make this person feel better about themself after getting rejected by a 2 year old all the while thinking "God...why couldn't he have taken after me in just this one area...that's all I ask for God...he can be like his dad in every other way (well almost every other way lol) but why oh why could he not have just taken after me when it comes to people" (and yes...it's a long thought...but that whole entire thought is going through my head at that exact moment...I'm just that good haha)!

I know one day I will look back and laugh at all of this....but now all I can see is not only do I have to go behind my husband so people won't think he is the meanest, most awfulest person in the world (is awfulest even a word?)...but now I have to go behind my son! Yay me!

***Disclaimer*** I do want to make clear that I love both my husband and my son! I am in no way belittling them! Nor am I really mad at them for being like this! Just sharing with you my thought for the day. (so I guess this means you can't write mean things to me about what a horrible person I am for saying such things hehe)

Just when I need Him most!

So I bet you think this is going to be a blog about my hot, sexy husband....but it's not! Well I may mention him in here....but that's not the full focus! The "Him" I am referring to is my best friend in the whole world....the one friend I have that I can ignore for days, not listen to, and then turn around and He is still there! Still forgiving me...still loving me....still wanting me to crawl in His lap so He can comfort me! If you haven't figured it out the "Him" I am talking about is Jesus!

I'm not going to lie...I have had a few rough weeks all in a row! Satan is attacking me for sure...and unfortunately I am giving him more leeway than I should be...but I have gotten to the point where I feel I am too tired to fight. But I am so amazed that even though I get to this point...God in His infinite love and wisdom still comes along and picks me up! Even when I seem to be forgetting Him He has shown me today that He has not and will not forget me!

2 things happened today that has uplifted me. To let you know about the first I will have to start by explaining that my husband and I are searching for a church where God wants us to be and serve in (well when I say we I obviously mean me since my husband is away fighting for our freedom). This has been very discouraging for me. It is very hard for me to walk into a new church by myself....it can be a lonely feeling and make you realize how aware you feel that you are alone. It's also hard because it's hard to fully explain to my husband what I think about the church so I can get his opinion when he is thousands of miles away! Well tonight 2 ladies came to visit me from a church that I have visited a few times...it was such a great visit! I felt so excited and uplifted when they left. In all honesty I didn't want them to leave...I was so enjoying the fellowship. But since I am in the midst of redoing my floors in my house I was unable to invite them in so we had to stand on the porch and talk...I felt like I was so rude...but they were very sweet and said they had both been there before!

My second experience where I felt God near was tonight when I was putting my son to bed. I just started doing devotions with him at night (because when I was little I have great memories of this with my parents...we had devotions every night). So I wanted to carry on this tradition. So we did our devotions and after I read him his Bible story I asked if he wanted to pray. I have been asking Ian this night after night for weeks now. He always says a very excited yes and so I try and help him. I start out saying "Dear Jesus" and wait for him to repeat...he never does just smiles at me. I always feel a little disappointment because I don't want to fail him as a parent...i want him to know how easy it is to talk to Jesus. So tonight Ian was once again excited to pray...I said "Dear Jesus"...again nothing...so I start praying...asking God to keep him safe and for him to sleep good and have good dreams ( he is plagued with night terrors)...when all of a sudden I heard him talking. I looked up while still praying trying to see if he was playing around instead of listening to the prayer...then I realized that his head was bowed and he was repeating what I was saying! I literally felt tears come to my eyes. Hearing his sweet little voice say "in Jesus name Amen" was enough to make my heart rejoice! There is no sweeter sound than hearing you child say the name of Jesus.

God is so good to me! He knows when I'm down....He knows when I am at my breaking point...and then in His love He comes along even when I do not ask and shows me He is still very alive in my life.

Oh where is Spring?

It has been a while since I have sat here and let y'all see a little into my life and mind. (I know...it's scary looking into my thoughts...but I know you enjoy it...or you wouldn't be reading this now) It's not because I don't care about all of you in blogger land...it's just that I have been so extremely busy with life and what comes and goes with it!

We have made it past the one month mark of Wesley being gone and we are doing fantastic! I think in a way with him being gone so much throughout the year when he is not deployed has tremendously helped us out during this deployment. Although I'm still not sure if I'm half expecting him to knock on our door one day soon saying "I'm home!" But what ever helps I am ok with it! haha

I finally got my new pink laptop! I was very specific about wanting the pink color...that's why I had to throw in the word pink....just so you all know...I did get what I asked for! It is so nice to be able to take it with me wherever I want to go. And I know that you must be wondering why I got a new laptop in the first place...after all my other one was only 2 years old! Well...let's just say that Wesley is a gun man...and when it comes to computers the only way he knows how to fix them is throw a rock at them....which instead of actually throwing a rock at it...he threw the computer at the rock! You think I'm kidding....I'm not! I love my husband...but I know when to keep electronics away from him and when to call the repair guy. Now if it was a gun I needed fixing...he would have been all over that. hehe

I am starting my deployment project very soon. I have decided to keep myself busy this deployment by basically renovating our house! Ambitious you ask...and I answer YES!!!! It comes with its stresses...but I am prepared to deal with them...I think. :) My first big act...tearing up the floors! You might as well start big right? I will be putting in wood floors all throughout the house...except for the kitchen and bathrooms....those will be tiled! I cannot wait to get this done. Right now my floors are so yucky!!!! I can't stand them. We (I say we because I have gotten the help of several strong Army men to help me...woohoo) will begin the tearing out process after my return trip from TX the second week of March.

Which brings me to my next big adventure. Driving to TX on Saturday...just me and my boy...in a truck for 11 hours!!!! Anyone feeling my pain yet? Thankfully Ian has always been a great traveler...let's hope that doesn't stop on this trip! I am going up there to spend my birthday with my family. Since we didn't get to make it up there for Christmas this year, I decided to wait for my birthday! I'm so excited to see everyone...well most everyone...my sister Julie and her family will not be there...so that is sad! :(

So far the beginning of this year has been crazy as far as weather is concerned. We have gotten more snow then I think they have gotten here in a long time. And tomorrow we are supposed to get more. At this point I am so tired of snow and can't wait for spring to get here. I just want to turn off my heat and open my windows! It will happen soon enough I'm sure....but I am so impatient!

Ian is doing great....he is learning his numbers (he can count to 12) and has some of the alphabet down. It is so weird to hear him talk sometimes....I can't believe how big he is getting! He still loves airplanes and whenever he sees one he goes "look mom...cool!" He is so sweet!

Well, I need to go and get back to life now. I have a meeting with my personal trainer in a little over an hour! And yes...I have hired a personal trainer...one of the best things I have ever done for myself! She is great....she pushes me without being overly psycho. :) For the first time in my life I have reached muscle failure thanks to her...and I'm here to say it is NOT fun...but the end result sure is! :)

So for now my blogger friends I say goodbye and hope that it will not take me this long to talk to you again!

Today I said goodbye....

Today I said goodbye to half of who I am....you know...that part that makes me complete. The part that makes me smile and laugh....the part that makes me feel like I have a huge purpose in life and if I wasn't here he would not be complete. Today I said goodbye to my soldier, my love, my husband! As I sat in the airfield in our last few hours together I willed myself not to cry because I want him to know that I will be alright while he is away! I want him to know I will survive and carry own while he is on the other side of the world defending our freedom. But I wondered how I could do this when I didn't feel alright...when I don't feel like I can survive. But I must survive...I will survive...not only for him, but for my little boy who doesn't understand his daddy is not coming home tonight....nor tomorrow...nor for the next 8 months! I have to stay strong so he will not feel like his world is falling apart and so that he knows that his daddy loves him and is doing this so he can grow up in a free country...the best country in the world...America! Although I tell myself I must do this...all I really want to do is crawl into bed and hold my husbands pillow close and not wake up until September....yes I admit...I want to fall apart! But I must not...I can't! Today I had to kiss my soldier and hug my soldier realizing that for 8 months I will not be able to reach out to him for a hug when I'm having a bad day. Realizing he will not be there in the morning to kiss me awake...realizing that every afternoon I will wait for him to come home so I can kiss him hello and ask "how was your day" and then it will hit me....he is not coming home today! So this is it....this is me falling apart...and after I click "publish post" I will go lay down in our bed and curl up with my husbands pillow and fall apart...but as soon as my son wakes from his nap I will be ok...I will be strong...I WILL Survive! Because I have too! Because I must! Because the soldier that I said goodbye too is counting on me just as you are counting on him to protect your freedom! So to my soldier...I love you...please stay safe and I will be counting down the days until you come home and you can hold me in your arms again!