I love driving in my car alone and listening to music! Just shutting everything out and not having any distractions and it just being me and I can listen to whatever I want!!! It doesn't have to be Veggie Tales or Mickey Mouse but it can be grown up music. So there is where I was a few days ago when I was driving to physical therapy... I had just dropped Ian off and I had a good 20 minutes of driving time. Me all alone in my car listening to my music! Instead of turning the radio on like I usually do I put in one of my cd's. I let it play and was somewhat listening to it but mainly it was just background noise as dozens of thoughts were running through my mind. For some reason it was a day when I had heavy thoughts weighing on my mind and heart. It seemed like I was being bombarded from all sides and there were so many uncertainties and there were many unanswered questions. It would have been an easy day to feel sorry for myself...but I hadn't gotten that low yet...but it was close in coming.
It was just life hitting me. We all know how that goes! There were many questions running through my mind...many thoughts...many "whys?". Why did it seem like nothing was going the way I thought it needed to? Why were things happening that I had no control over but I really wanted to control? Why did it seem like God was playing "eeny, meeny, miny, moe" with things He was deciding to throw in my life? I felt like God was saying "there's Leila...she still needs to grow in so many ways...I think I'll go ahead and give her this problem, and this trial and this tough decision." There were a lot of "whys?"! A lot I can't really get into right now because I am not comfortable just yet with sharing. But you can see life was getting at me...in my mind...my thoughts...it was consuming me.
But all of a sudden my mind seem to clear and my ears were opened and this song started playing.
And then it was like someone came in my head and flipped on the light! How ignorant am I? I mean really...it's not being harsh...it's true ignorance! I was being so consumed with me me and more me that I was pretty sure God had forgotten about...well me. I was pretty sure God had bigger things to worry about so I was put on the back burner for a bit. I'm being straight up honest with you today...I know better...I have always been taught better...but at that moment I really felt that God had decided that my life wasn't that important and maybe I just wasn't worth it! That's why I am saying it was pure ignorance.
Matthew 6:26 even says Behold the fowls of the air: for they sow not, neither do they reap, nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feedeth them. Are ye not much better than they?
There are times in my life I do feel like I am worthless...but I am smart enough to know that I am more precious to God then birds! And He takes care of them...so why am I thinking God doesn't want me to be happy...why am I thinking He has forgotten me? My goodness folks...He told the sun where to stand in the morning, He told the ocean how far to go, He told the moon where to stay till evening...but somehow in my little mind I had figured He didn't have time to handle my life or problems.
The same God who died and then raised Himself from the dead and who now lives...I had put limitations on Him! There is no way around that...it is true ignorance! You can't put limitations on what God can do! He spoke this world into existence! Yet I had put him in a little box and had decided that day that He couldn't possibly handle my problems so I was needing to figure it out myself!
But while this song was playing I was reminded of these exact things. And these exact thoughts went through my head because I know God put them there to reassure me. You know how I know I am loved? You know how I know I am taken care of? You know how I know God understood how much I was hating physical therapy, how much I was concerned about why our breakers didn't seem to want to stay on, how worried I was about our heater going out soon. How I was worried about if Wes and I were training Ian the way he should be trained. How God understood how I was worried how Ian would grow up and not go in the wrong direction. How I was concerned about my son's salvation... How I was concerned about the different decision that were being made at Wes' job and how it would affect us. How I was worried that I would never be content with our family of 3? The list goes on and on...but do you know how I know that God knows this and understands and I am not alone? I know this because MY REDEEMER LIVES!!!!!